On independence day, I set myself free. I released the Provence retreat last week. It was not an easy decision. I received an email from my travel partner, A Girl & A Globe, letting me know we didn’t have enough people registered at this point and suggesting we cancel. I’m sure this wasn’t easy for her. She’s not canceled a trip before this one. The truth is, what I felt in the moment I read her email was relief. It was not what I expected to feel, yet in that moment I set myself free.

To the girl I was…I forgive you.

There was a time in my life when I wanted to control everything. When things didn’t go my way, I took it personally, I saw myself as a failure. I’d seclude myself, lay low while the whole thing blew over hoping no one would know what a failure I’d been, all the while wallowing in self-loathing. How could I be so stupid and inept? Phew. Let me tell you, I am so thankful I am not that person any longer!

Rather than hiding out, I’m shouting out. I’m declaring this experiment a successful journey to learning so much more about what I want, don’t want, and how I show up in the relationships in my life when things don’t go so well. I set myself free not only from this event, I set myself free to rejoice in the goodness that came from this experiment. It all boils down to me not being true to me. To fully listening to what I desire, and what shows up.  

Be impeccable with your word

The first of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is to be impeccable with your word. This includes being true to myself.

When I first set out to do this retreat, I had a co-leader. She is an amazing woman, coach, and friend. We’ve coached each other for several years now and supported each other through many challenging times. We’ve laughed and we’ve cried together. All that said, several years ago I promised myself I would not co-lead retreats. Period. It has nothing to do with anyone else. I just prefer it that way.

When I set out to do a workshop, retreat, or any coaching related event I am clear in my intentions, the energy I hold, and what flow feels like. Adding someone else to the equation changes things as we navigate our individual preferences and create something that works for both of us. It’s very clear to me now how my energy was split between what my heart wanted and what I was actually doing. I was out of alignment and out of integrity.

I questioned my own inner guidance

This is a sad fact. I didn’t trust in my own divine wisdom. When I did the Italy retreat last year, I didn’t come close to filling it. We were able to go, and the experience was amazing, yet I filled only 2 spots. When the opportunity presented itself to co-lead this retreat, I said yes without considering why. I had this silly notion that it would be easier to fill with a partner.

I forgot my heart and let my rational mind lead. It seemed logical that we’d be pulling from a larger pool of women to fill the retreat, her circle and mine, along with my travel partner’s. I never once stopped to ask myself if my reasoning was true or why I thought this. I didn’t follow my own guidance and take the time to be curious and ask what was behind my belief. The universe played right along with me…as it will. Guess how many women signed on for Provence? You got it. 2. Then, one dropped out. The universe always has the last laugh…hehehe.

I stopped having fun

You all know by now that I live to do work that feels like play. This is so important in my life. I want you to live a life that feels like play too. A few months into marketing the retreat, my co-leader decided to opt out. This made complete sense to me because I am a solo retreat leader and the universe knows this too.

Here’s the thing. While this was now my retreat alone, it was never really mine. The original idea and inspiration had passed. In spite of (or perhaps because of) my efforts to breathe life into it, it felt like I was pushing a boulder uphill. Anytime we’re pushing anything, trying to make something come together or happen, we’re really resisting what wants to unfold. I was resisting the desire to set myself free.

Everything is here to serve me…and you

Those of you who know me well, know that I’m about to tell you all the ways in which this is a good thing. Everything in life is here for my good, including experiences that may not feel so good at the time.

This year, I set an intention to live life wide open; open hearted living. To living with my heart wide open, releasing judgements and listening…listening closely to my own inner wise self, to the whispers of my heart and soul. Choosing to stay open when I feel like closing. I am living into the fullness of who I came here to be.

It’s OK to change your mind

When I was a young girl, I was always making or creating something. I would jump from idea to idea, project to project. I can remember my mother’s annoyance with me not finishing what I started and heading to something else. I’ve always been an innovator. I like to create…and move on.

This experience has brought me to a new level of awareness of my own desires and helped me align with what I desire now. When I shared all of this with my coach, she commented that I’m not the person I was when I began planning this retreat. She is so right about that. I’m just catching up with who I am. And recognizing in a very powerful way, it’s OK to change my mind. It’s OK to admit it’s time to let go and clear the way for what’s ready to emerge…even if I’m not sure what that is yet.

Relationships that matter grow

There’s a great Dr. Seuss quote that says, “Be who you are. Because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

This experience has deepen my relationships with my coach friend and my travel partner. These are truly relationships that matter in my life. We’ve had some difficult conversations with the utmost love, kindness, and respect for each other. I am deeply grateful to both of these women for their love and support as I find my voice and learn to live life wide open.

“There’s always another level up. There’s always more ascension. More grace, more light, more generosity, more compassion, more to shed, more to grow.”

This quote from Liz Gilbert is one of my favorites. There is always more to be, do, or have on this spectacular adventure we call life. It’s why we are here. To express life in every way that calls to us. Wherever you are in your life right now, there is more for you. This experience set me free to be open to what’s next and to have the space to get clear about what my heart wants now.

I set myself free from hiding

If I am truly living life wide open, then closing would be completely out of integrity with who I am. Here, too, I set myself free. No more going silent, curling up and waiting for the storm to pass. Instead, I choose to walk straight into the storm and be the compassionate witness. To honestly see where I gave away my power without judgement, guilt, or shame. To see clearly through the eyes of love.

This is a big, beautiful moment in my life. Hooray!!! I want you to know that you too can choose open hearted living. You too can set yourself free and live a kickass life.

From my wide open heart to yours,

Photo by Samuel Zeller on Unsplash