It was a steamy August Saturday on Martha’s Vineyard. I hadn’t been in years. It’s a wonderful place to wander with my camera and simply be. I went over with a friend. He had work to do there, so I meandered through the streets of Vineyard Haven, poked around in the shops, and spent a little time people watching and journaling while eating peach ice cream. A perfect summer day. Until, I had to get back to Oak Bluffs to catch the ferry with very little time. I felt my anxiety rise, worry that I wouldn’t make it. I’m realizing now, it’s OK to miss the boat.

Oh, the patterns we’ve come to know…

This is a familiar one for me and one that I am not only aware of, I’m consciously working to shift. In the 15 minute bus ride back to the ferry my inner dialog seesawed.  One second I was up, knowing in my head that everything is perfect and I’d make it in plenty of time. The next I hit the ground feeling the anxiety of missing the boat. One second I was telling myself it’s all working out perfectly, the next I see myself waving the ferry goodbye from the dock. Then, back to envisioning myself riding home on the ferry and getting back to my car to drive home. Back and forth, up and down.

The thing is, no matter the outcome, whether I miss the boat or not, it’s perfect. In fact, the outcome is already the outcome…my worry won’t change anything at all. I know what I want, more than making it to the ferry, is to be on this bus in complete peace, knowing all is well…regardless of what happens. So, why can’t I let go, relax, and enjoy the ride?

Shifting from problem to question changes perspective…

While, I didn’t quite shift my thinking from problem to questions on the bus however, I had plenty of time to reflect and get curious while I was on the ferry and later at home. The more curious I became about my reaction to the idea that I might miss the boat, the funnier it became. Seriously.

First, I’ve always been an on-time person. I was trained from an early age to always be on-time…early in fact. My father was always early for everything and by default so was I. I’ve spent a lifetime, up until now, in a habitual pattern of thinking I would be late and being late became a terrible thing. Being late came to mean I was wrong, or bad, or irresponsible. Simply put, up until now I’ve had a fear of being late. It’s held deep within the cellular memory of my body. What Dr. Joe Dispenza refers to as an addiction to negative thoughts. I’ve practiced this for so long that my body responds accordingly, even needs the chemical response to the fear of being late.

I also know I can change this…

I also know I have the power to change this. Awareness is the first step, and I want to change this. It all beings to change as I consciously choose to inquire within. To get curious about my own beliefs and what’s actually the truth.

What was I really afraid of? Being late? Who cares? Are we ever really late for our own life? It’s happening in each breath, each heartbeat, each thought, each action. Was I afraid of being or seeming irresponsible? Irresponsible to whom or what? Myself? Could I be OK with this?

What’s the worst that could happen? I love this question. Sometimes, It’s hard to allow ourselves to go there because we fear by doing so the worst will come to pass. However, imagining the worst often brings us to the ridiculous and takes the sting out of the apparent problem.

What was the worst? It wasn’t like I’d have to swim home! Nor was this the last ferry out of the Vineyard…ever! The worst was that I’d stay on the island overnight with a friend and take the ferry home the next day. Umm…I can live with that.

What did I miss…

I also began to wonder what I missed on the 15 minute bus ride when all my mental energy was chasing the ferry. Engaging conversation with my friend perhaps? A delightful encounter with a stranger? Maybe the natural beauty of the island along the route to Oak Bluffs? I’ll never know…because I wasn’t there.

And, there’s one more thing I found in the deep down, underneath the angst that I might miss the boat. I believe in living each day as a beautiful adventure. It’s how I desire to live my life. As I sat with the questions there was, beneath it all, a part of me that wanted to know. A part of me that was intrigued by the idea that I might miss the boat. Did I, unconsciously want to miss that boat? What if? What if missing the boat was the next beautiful adventure? Can I learn to embrace the wait?

Habits can help and hinder

I was on time to meet the ferry. The line of passengers began to board moments after I arrived. What is mostly a healthy habit, can hinder us when it becomes more of an obsession. I like being on time. I want to honor my time and other’s by being on time for appointments and meetings and things like that. All good. Right? Until I allow it to occupy my mind and keep me from enjoying the present moment.

My invitation to you is to get curious when you feel you’re in the midst of a problem. To get to your “what if”. What if, what seems like a problem is the beginning of a beautiful adventure? What if the problem is simply a question to be asked and your life is unfolding in perfect and divine order?

Now, I get to practice this. Practice letting go of this fear and being at peace with what is. I get to be aware of my own fear response and embrace the very idea that it’s OK to miss the boat.

From my heart to yours,

Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash