Have you ever had a moment when you realized there is an elephant in the room? And it’s you! I have. And, I’ve decided that dancing with the elephant in the room is usually best.

I have been actively, consciously, and intentionally on a path to change old patterns of thinking, believing, and communicating in my life. A number of years ago I was struck with the realization that I was living a co-dependent existence and it was no longer working. I was primarily an overfunctioner. In The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner describes the overfunctioner this way.

• Know what’s best not only for themselves but for others as well
• Moves in quickly to advise, rescue, and take over when stress hits
• Have difficulty staying out and allowing others to struggle with their own problems
• May be labeled the person who is “always reliable” or “always together”

I can relate to all of this, and it’s exhausting. For a long time it had been my modus operandi for living. I also came to see how I used overfunctioning to keep me from pursuing the things I wanted most in life. I believed I had to be there for everyone else.

Life coaching isn’t just the work I do, it is the way I live my life now. As a coach I practice the mantra, “Live it to Give it.” The coaching version of practice what you preach. I have become increasingly aware of my old patterns and have intentionally made significant changes. Recently, I found myself in a position of choosing to break an old pattern with someone I love dearly.  And, I could see that dancing with the elephant in the room was the next right thing to do.

In life coach training, we learn that the old You has to die in order to birth a new You. Not literally of course, but life as we know it has to die to become something better, or different. It’s the butterfly effect. The caterpillar cannot emerge as the butterfly unless it dissolves first. This is not always an easy process, and it can be especially difficult for people closest to us. We have learned and practiced these old patterns for so long, people know what to expect. Even if the patterns are painful, they are reliable and consistent. We know the steps to this old dance and it feels safe. Birthing a new You means becoming someone no one has every seen before and and it can leave others confused, frightened, and angry.

If you should find yourself in this situation, here are three things I now know about dancing with the elephant in the room.

• Recognize it for what it is; an elephant! I find elephants to be one of the most beautiful animals in existence. Still, they are big, thick skinned and difficult to move around the dance floor with. My old patterns are all of that – big, thick skinned and difficult to move. These patterns of behavior, thinking and believing are ingrained, we learned them from an early age from well-meaning people such as parents and teachers. They are old ways of thinking handed down for generations, and we don’t have to subscribe to them any longer. Seeing this is the first step in the new dance.
• Approach it with love and compassion. It’s been my experience that approaching anything lovingly improves the situation and in this case, you’re approaching a beautiful yet very large beast. Do so with loving kindness for yourself, the beast, and all others involved. In my recent experience, it was time to have a conversation about my choice to change. First, I had to be loving towards myself. This meant being clear about what I want to say, how I want to show up, and doing so with love and compassion. Invite your loved one into the dance with you. Ask for their willingness to be attentive and listen. And, if they’re not willing, it can wait until they are. You are still showing up as the new you.
• Practice, practice, practice. Learning anything new take practice, and dancing with an elephant takes loads of practice and patience. You have to practice being this new you and do so compassionately. No judging yourself if you don’t always get it right. Just keep practicing. Continually recognizing and owning my part in any interaction, especially those that trigger old patterns, is a big part of my practice. And, I continually practice not rescuing others if they become angry or uncomfortable about this new dance. They will learn their own steps in their own way.

However imperfect we may be when we are dancing with the elephant in the room, I believe that when we embrace it and feel into it with loving kindness, we set something powerful in motion for ourselves and those around us. We move our own elephant towards greater self-love and compassion and we just might move the herd in that direction too.

From my heart to yours,

Photo by Larry Li on Unsplash