Bittersweet morning. As I invite in the new day, grateful to awaken, still sleepy, I remember today is November 14^th and my Dad comes to mind. I honor him today. He transitioned to his next life, wherever that may be, three years ago today. I remember him brushing my hair when I was little, pulling it up into a bun on my head. I remember, later as a young girl, skating with him on the pond behind our home. The attention he’d give to lacing up my skates.

There were things about him that I wished were different when I was growing up. He wasn’t much of a communicator, we didn’t talk about stuff. He showed little emotion except anger. Still, I remember he and mom taking a trip to Hawaii. Dad was a home body, but he won this trip at work and mom would have gone almost anywhere given the opportunity. He missed home and missed us so, that he cried when they arrived home. It shook me, confused me, and I have never forgotten it. Later, I came to understand just how much love and tightly held emotions were behind those tears.

He told me he was proud of me for the first time when I graduated college. I was 57. I had stopped to visit him and mom, and cried all the way home. There were many times I thought I wanted a different dad. One that was more involved in my life, one that would talk with me about life. I know now that he was that dad he learned to be, and the best he could be.

Several months before he passed, he let me know he was ready to go. He was tired, he said with a heavy sadness in his eyes. I touched his arm unable to speak. In the hospital, as he thrashed about struggling to relax and breathe, he said several times he wanted to go home. That’s exactly what I wanted for him too. To be at peace. To be free.

While I miss his physical presence, he is always with me. I carry him in my heart. I feel his presence, his love, his eternal guidance. On the yoga mat this bittersweet morning, I stood in open-hearted warrior honoring him. Deep down I know that he is the dad I needed to become the woman I am today and I am forever grateful. I love you dad.

From my heart to yours,

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