Not the Gratitude We Were Taught

On reaching for gratitude instead of settling for it

It was 7:15pm and dessert was on the table: decadent fudge brownies with ice cream. Then came the question everyone waits for. Only this time, I changed it up.

Share your gratitude for something you did, a choice you made, no matter how it turned out. Especially if it didn’t go the way you wanted. What does it mean to you now? How did it change you?

Share your gratitude for something you did, a choice you made, no matter how it turned out. Especially if it didn’t go the way you wanted.

Then, my favorite part: the silence. Looking back at something that may have felt like a failure and reaching for gratitude isn’t something we do every day. Especially women.

We’re taught to be grateful as a way to keep us quiet and small. Be grateful for the marriage. For the job. For what you got. And of course, this one: be grateful, it could always be worse. That may be true, but so is the opposite. It could always be better. Women are groomed to settle for less, to ignore not only our deepest needs and wants, but what’s possible beyond this moment.

Midlife gratitude is different.

Midlife gratitude, the kind shared at The Gratitude Table, is chosen. Self-authored. I turned seventy recently and have spent time reflecting on the past. Not dwelling, but noticing how all the things that seemed random at the time threaded together into this moment, into the woman I have become. None of it was random, because here I am: thriving, alive, and truly grateful for it all.

What I know about gratitude is that it will change your life. And the science backs that up.

Researchers describe gratitude as self-perpetuating: the more you practice it, the more attuned to it you become. What you focus on shapes the life you experience. So when we say gratitude turns what you have into enough, it isn’t a cute saying. It’s what happens.

Your brain is built to notice what you give your attention to. When gratitude becomes your focus, you start finding more to be grateful for. And not all of those things are things. Sometimes they’re states of being. The feeling of joy. The choice to love. The shoulder you lean on. The hand that holds yours when you’re hurting.

I want to be clear about one thing. A large review of the research found that gratitude exercises on their own do little to ease clinical anxiety or depression. This isn’t about bypassing sadness or grief to put on a happy face. Those emotions deserve to be acknowledged and felt.

Still, a practice of gratitude, a few minutes when you wake or before you sleep, or a gratitude journal, can change the way you move through your life.

In one study, adults seeking counseling were divided into three groups: counseling alone, counseling plus writing about difficult experiences, and counseling plus writing gratitude letters. The gratitude writers fared best. Here’s what the researchers found.

First, gratitude loosens the grip of hard emotions. The letter writers used fewer negative emotion words, and that shift explained much of the benefit. It wasn’t about piling on positive words. It was about less resentment, less envy. So, pay attention to the words you use.

Second, it works even if you never share it. Many participants never sent their letters, and they benefited anyway. The gratitude itself does the work. I use this when I need to shift my mood or energy. I sit still, close my eyes, breathe, and bring to mind all the ways I’m grateful until I feel something shift within me. No one else needs to hear it. Sharing it is a gift on top of that.

Third, the benefits take time. There might be a feeling of gratitude in the moment, a lightness perhaps, but the mental health benefits built gradually and were measured four and twelve weeks later. Practice regularly, manage your expectations, and give yourself grace on the harder days.

Finally, gratitude leaves a mark on the brain. Three months later, researchers scanned some of the letter writers. Compared with people who hadn’t written, their brains showed greater sensitivity to gratitude in the medial prefrontal cortex, an area involved in learning and decision-making.

In other words, the more we use gratitude, the stronger it becomes.

This is the power of gratitude. It’s one of the reasons The Gratitude Table came into being: so each woman at the table can experience how powerful she is.

Gratitude grows stronger with practice, and it grows stronger still when it’s shared. The Gratitude Table guide shows you how to create that kind of evening in your own home, with your own women, in your own way. Everything from the first invitation to the last question of the night.

[Start your own Gratitude Table →] The Gratitude Table: A Guide to Curated Community and The Art of Intimate Gathering™

With love from the table,