Letting Go With Mom

I took Gracie the doodle for a walk this morning and picked up some treasure. Colorful leaves were everywhere, the wind chasing them down the street. I thought about how, as a young girl, I loved running through the yard picking up the most magnificent colors and pressing them between wax paper. A beautiful fall placemat for the table.

Autumn is proof that change is beautiful

While we walked I collected leaves, a rich bouquet of reds, yellows and orange. I love the colors of fall, the crunch of the leaves under my feet, and the sweet smell of autumn in the air. My thoughts turned to letting go of what no longer serves us. The practice of turning inward, nurturing the soul, and preparing for what’s next.

This is exactly what the trees are doing now. Preparing. Turning inward. It might seem they are asleep in winter, when in truth, more happens beneath the surface in the silence of winter than ever meets our eyes. The same is true for us. We too require time to go within and to nurture the soul. To restore and gather energy for what’s next in life. 

Letting go is part of living

I’ve been watching my mother in the process of letting go and preparing. We’ll celebrate her 90th birthday next spring. Her memory is failing. Memory can be a funny thing. She may not recall what day it is, yet she can remember the names of everyone in her 5th grade class from 1942. As I observe the changes in her, what I might have once thought of as the decline of aging I now see as the process of letting go and preparing for what’s next.

Just as the trees are shedding, I see this as my mother letting go of attachment to this world of form, releasing what no longer matters like leaves dropping from the trees. Remembering what happened yesterday or even today is no longer important. It has no significance and in truth it really doesn’t matter. I sometimes wonder if what seems like a cluttered or confused mind to me is simply a clearing out of what no longer matters to the soul within.

In many ways she is more of the mother I always wanted. Softer. Less rigid. More playful. She laughs more easily than ever. In recent years I’ve seen glimpses of what her childhood might have been like. Times when she scolds herself harshly or calls herself stupid. These times have helped me to understand she did her absolute best with me, even if it didn’t always feel that way. To have more compassion for her and myself.

When you shift your perspective life changes

There is beauty in this letting go. I get to choose to see this from a wiser, more aware sense of myself, of life and look for what’s hidden beneath anything I’d been believing up until now about what’s happening with my mother. Mindfully and with love I can choose how I respond to everything that is taking place with her. I choose to see this as her letting go, her preparing for what’s next. In the process I am letting go with her, unbecoming what we once were and accepting who we are now.

I have turned inward in recent weeks, reflecting, preparing in my own way. Wondering who I am without my mother and seeing now that I can choose to give her the softer, gentler mothering she never had. I get to do this for her and for me. To love, unconditionally. Isn’t that what we all want?

Letting go is love

I have grieved the loss of a mother who is still here recently. The loss of my mother as she once was, as I come to accept who she is now. I am learning that I can honor this process, her process, whatever that looks like. To see it all as a beautiful letting go and preparing for what’s next. There are practical things that warrant our attention as a family. Still, this is her life and it is unfolding perfectly for her. No matter how it appears to me.

As I let go of ideas I held about who my mother was, I allow a new and different version of her to emerge and in the process a new, more compassionate version of me emerges. The working title of this post was, letting go of mom. As I wrote, I realized I am letting go with her. We are letting go together. The process is shared and the love is immeasurable.

From my heart to yours,

Photo by Anthony Rossbach on Unsplash

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